Outlet

New ninja post. Just need an outlet again. At home again...aloneish. Mrs. Kimpak has class...and has been working late. I have been killing myself slowly by looking at other peoples lives through facebook. I know the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence but damn....a lot of my friends of old have been living lives that I wished I had. By now I was supposed to have traveled to Scotland. I was supposed to have gone to Italy. But no, barely across into Canada...that's as far as I've been outside the U.S. Its not only that, but other things as well. I'm a nomad thats been stuck in one place for too long. Far too long. Everyone has heard my stories of what I used to do. Now all I can do is sit around and talk about something amusing my cat did the other day. I know I'm not unique in this regard. I know everyone wishes for this or that. But right now, in this moment, its killing me and I have no outlet. Too many prying eyes on facebook, Mrs. Kimpak I don't think would understand and my cats don't really care either.

Meh, so much for using my blog for something important. Well I suppose my mental health could be considered by some to be important. I won't advertise this post though so more than likely nobody will ever see it. Which, I suppose is what I'm looking for.

I want out, I want to escape. I want to go with no plan. And when I come back I want to be able to actually answer someone when they say "so what have you been up to?" Oh nothing, just work...is not the answer I want to give anymore.

Its not just the wanderlust that has me again this time. Its the little bouts of depression that continue to plague me, it was a path I started down a long time ago. I knew the consequences then, and I gladly paid it. Now though, those scars run too deep and I think its safe to say they will never fully heal. But how do I explain that to someone else, how do I explain what I'm feeling right now and not sound like an emo n00b crying about nothing. I think I do a pretty decent job, day to day, at hiding everything. Well...unless you read my blog of course. But as far as I can tell, you'd never see it on my face during the day. I know, some day I'm not going to be able to contain it though. I'm not sure what that will look like when it happens.