Therapy time again

Which is probably a bad idea, considering more people have found their way to this page. But meh, I still find it helpful. Near crippling depression bubbles its way up to the surface again. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that this is going to be the case for the rest of my life. It makes no sense why, as there is so much good in my life, especially as compared to others in more dire situations. I keep telling myself that, but it only makes it worse. Now i'm not only depressed, but guilty that I'm depressed as if I have no right to be. Maybe I don't have the right to be, but there it is anyway. Recent events which must remain secret have destroyed my hopes and dreams once again. Anyone in that position would be perhaps as depressed or worse than I am. But living with it for so long...makes it difficult. Its difficult because I so desperately want to run, to escape. Even if its just into my own world inside my head. To go to that place where the demons live and nothing can break in. Or to literally run away to some unlikely place to try and start over. Or just far enough away that I can unteather myself from the world. But I can't, because there are others I have to be here for. I don't have the luxury of running like I could so many years ago. But every day, every single day, I get this almost overwhelming urge to escape. I fight it, push it back and go about the day, with usually, no one the wiser. But I can't help but think...what if one day I can't do it. What if this all adds up and bursts forth like the alien from Sigourny Weaver's chest cavity? Would the fallout from that drive everyone I love away from me? Maybe it should. I know all of this can be chalked up to "well that's just life, quit yer bitching and move on". It doesn't help, but that's the simple truth of it. I wish I could be more religious. It must be comforting to be blissfully ignorant or simply happy to believe in this "life on rails" God has a plan, blah, blah. I've tried that though, and I just can't do it. The logic, the reality of life is too clear to me. Almost like the Matrix, once you know its there you can't go back. Unless, maybe I had some sort of horrible head trauma and became some sort of vegetable. But if that happened I wouldn't have enough brain function to care about all of this anyway. So, what do I do now. There is no escape without doing something drastic. So I guess I'll just try to push it all back again and push on like I always do. I'm not entirely broken yet. There are other worlds than these. Maybe my lot is better in the next.

The Appalachian Trail

I just got back from vacation. I went to a place I've wanted to go since I first heard about it in first grade, the Appalachian Trail (The AT). First I'll tell you how it went and then some reflections. I didn't get to hike the whole trail of course, that takes 5-6 months at the pace I'd be able to do it in. We did about 25 miles of the trail in the Smokey Mountains on the border of Tennessee and North Carolina. Even though it was only 25 miles, it was tough, as we were literally climbing mountains. Day 1 - We arrived at our starting point, Clingman's Dome, just after sunrise. It was a little chilly at that altitude (a little above 5,000ft), but we were all in good sprits and were eager to hit the trail. We donned our gear and hefted our packs. Then reality set in, the first .5 mile was an extremely steep hill from the parking lot to an observation tower. We were all out of breath and panting after only making it about a quarter of the way up the hill! Some of us were starting to question whether we bit off more than we could chew. I can attribute some of the exhaustion to the somewhat thinner air at altitude, but I’m sure the lion’s share was due to not enough training. A note on that however…there is really nowhere in Iowa you can go to adequately train for the AT, our hills are simply not hilly enough. We did end up making it up the damn thing of course, and were rewarded with a spectacular view of the Smokies! You could see for miles around, including some of the other peaks we would eventually climb. After snapping some pictures we hit the trail itself, since we were on top of the mountain already the going was much easier. Along the trail we met many other Thru hikers. These are people that ‘mostly’ started in Georgia and were headed to Main. There were a lot more than I thought there would be. We did have a bit of a mishap though. We stopped for a snack break about 3 miles from our first nights stop, then headed out again. We had to climb another of many hills (and by hill I mean up the side of a mountain), Mrs. Kimpak and I hit the top first when our mishap was realized. Mrs. Kimpak forgot her eye glasses back where we snacked…at the bottom of the hill. Since she was in the best shape of all of us, she dropped her pack and essentially ran back down the mountain to get them while I stayed and guarded our packs. I felt so bad for her since she had to come back up the giant hill we had just struggled to climb. Fortunately she found them right away and we were able to hike the rest of the way together to the first shelter. The shelter is a 3 sided wood and stone building with 2 levels or bunks that held about 12 hikers all squished in cozy like. This particular shelter was jam packed to the rafters. The shelter was full and there was about a dozen other tents pitched around it. Including a group of hippies that brought along plenty of wacky tabaccy. Which they were attempting to trade for food, lol. I didn’t get much sleep that night since everyone snored and a huge wind storm kicked up causing the tarp that acted as a door to flap noisily in the wind all night long. Day 2 – Day 2 was much more peaceful than day 1. We were still on the AT but only had to go about half as far to get to our next shelter. About 6 miles. This involved climbing more mountains though, including a particular bastard called “Briar Knob” (shudder). After that we hit Rocky Top and Rocky Top 2 these 2 peaks provided an amazing 360deg view of the Smokies! We could also see our shelter’s roof way off in the distance just past Spence Field. Spence Field shelter was much less packed in and we met some really nice people there. It rained a bit, but we passed around the whisky and traded tales to pass the time under the protection of the shelter. Incidentally, this shelter had a rather nice privy; which was much better than digging a hole in the ground and hoping you were far enough off the trail that nobody would see you. This was where we also decided to cut our trip short sadly. About half the group didn’t think they’d be able to complete the 2nd half of the trip, which would have taken side trails to loop us back to where we started. I had also twisted my knee by this point and the down hills were really quite painful. Believe it or not though, I still would have completed the full hike with or without the bad knee. Day 3 - Anyway, we decided to take a side trail to a campsite about 3 miles from the shelter, we also acted as sortof guides for 3 ladies we met. One of them was sick and needed to get to a town to see a doctor. We were headed there anyway so we made sure they got on the right trail to Cades Cove. We stopped for the day to camp. Finally got to pitch our tent we bought for the trip, right next to a beautiful stream. Some of the guys fished but only caught a small trout. It rained again, but it was still warm so it wasn’t too uncomfortable in our rain gear. Oh, also by this point my knee was hurting so bad since our hike from Spence Field was all downhill; I could barely take a step without the aid of my trusty trekking poles. I heal fast though so by the end of the day the pain wasn’t that bad again. Day 4 – We hiked the rest of the way to Cades Cove’s picnic area which was about another 3 miles. Following the same stream we camped next to. Once we got there the weather was so nice…and we were so smelly from not having a proper shower that we all more or less decided to take a bath in the stream. The poor picnickers were starring, but at least they didn’t have to smell us anymore, lol. Our fearless leader’s Mom and Dad came down to pick us up and take us back to the cars. We ended up spending the last couple of days doing touristy stuff around the area in Townsend and Gatlinburg, TN. Gatlinburg, btw is the biggest tourist trap city I’ve ever seen in my life. I wouldn’t recommend anyone go there ever, with the minor exception of purchasing some tasty Moonshine from Old Smoky Moonshinery. Advice – For anyone thinking about hiking the AT I would recommend training a bit first. That being said however, there isn’t anything in Iowa that can compare to the terrain in the mountains. So just make sure you are in decent shape all around. Good cardio. Practice down hills!!!! Most people are worried about the climbs, but going down is just as hard. Maybe not as exhausting, but the down hills are harder on your joints than the up hills. Also, buy all of your gear and test it. Make sure you know it inside and out. Don’t go over 45lbs in your pack. If you do, then chances are you have something you don’t need or something you do need can be made lighter. Make sure you always have the 10 essentials. Plan your route ahead of time and make sure other people know about it, and let them know if you make any changes (if it’s possible). If you are planning a thru hike, the advice I heard from more than one person on the trail is that the trail itself will get you into shape. After a few weeks out there you’ll be ready to tackle anything the trail can throw at you. Just watch out for bears. And don’t store any food in your pack, use a bear bag and hang it every night. Most shelters have a bear bag hanging system already in place so that’s handy. Thoughts – I loved the trail. Parts of it were very hard, but I liked that. It was very difficult for me to come back to work. Much like Joseph Campbell’s Hero with a thousand faces coming home. I’ve changed a little bit. After having climbed mountains and worried about bear attacks and pooping in the woods….filling out a timecard sheet with bullshit numbers and proper dropdown menu’s just seemed so silly and trivial I had to laugh. I really wish I had the 6 months to do a thru hike. Living on the trail, for me, is much more preferable than life in the so called real world. It the words of one of my literary heroes “Simplify, Simplify, Simplify”. Life on the trail is simple, hard work; its living deliberately. You wake up with the sun and know exactly what you have to do every day. If Mrs. Kimpak was to go with me, then I’d have everything I wish for in life.

Havn't been in here in awhile and a lot has changed. Bittersweet changes. I got promoted at work, which is good. The bad is my hours are really hard on me since I don't get to see Mrs. Kimpak as much anymore. Speaking of promotions, prolly my best friend also got promoted, which is awesome. What sux is he had to move away, so boo :(. One of my other best friends from the before time, and one time girlfriend, has moved back to Iowa. The bad....I still can't go visit. 3 hours away seems so close yet so far away. How does one tell one's Mrs. they want to go visit an ex g/f? The result is I kinda feel alone, especially since I live out in the sticks. What makes matters worse is Mrs. Kimpak had a rash of business trips so I've been seeing her even less. Fortunately this should be the last week of that, till next month anyway. But for now, I sit at my computer or watch late night TV (which isn't good btw)and watch the time pass till the weekend. The good news is I'm better equipped as a person to handle these things than I ever used to be. I know things will get better at some point. I just have to endure till then. In other news, a blast from the past messages me out of the blue. A person who has a power over me that I don't completely understand. A person who caused me so much joy, and so much pain in my life. Things started off well, then a whole flood of memories came back. Sometimes I hate the way my mind works. Events that happened well over a decade ago are still fresh in my mind, playing like little movies. The good, yes....but also the bad. /sigh, I thought I had moved on more than I had.

Meh

No one to talk to right now, so Hey how about the internet! Mrs Kimpak is in India... I has a sad. Its incredibly lonely out here in the hobbit hole at night. My weekend was epicly fun. Its like I was alive again! Like I was a kid again. lol, well a Kid that was legally able to consume adult beverages. I'll never look at Uno the same way again. hah...sadly that's an inside joke nobody here will ever get. So coming down off that high is really hard. Return to the real world of work, office bullshit. For those of you familiar with the work of Joseph Campbell, I feel like the Hero who is returning home, changed. Nothing is the same. I can fake it pretty good though so meh. I'm probably just being emo. But gorram it, right now I can't help it. I just feel like being Buzz Killington. Oh well that's life I guess.

Outlet

New ninja post. Just need an outlet again. At home again...aloneish. Mrs. Kimpak has class...and has been working late. I have been killing myself slowly by looking at other peoples lives through facebook. I know the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence but damn....a lot of my friends of old have been living lives that I wished I had. By now I was supposed to have traveled to Scotland. I was supposed to have gone to Italy. But no, barely across into Canada...that's as far as I've been outside the U.S. Its not only that, but other things as well. I'm a nomad thats been stuck in one place for too long. Far too long. Everyone has heard my stories of what I used to do. Now all I can do is sit around and talk about something amusing my cat did the other day. I know I'm not unique in this regard. I know everyone wishes for this or that. But right now, in this moment, its killing me and I have no outlet. Too many prying eyes on facebook, Mrs. Kimpak I don't think would understand and my cats don't really care either.

Meh, so much for using my blog for something important. Well I suppose my mental health could be considered by some to be important. I won't advertise this post though so more than likely nobody will ever see it. Which, I suppose is what I'm looking for.

I want out, I want to escape. I want to go with no plan. And when I come back I want to be able to actually answer someone when they say "so what have you been up to?" Oh nothing, just work...is not the answer I want to give anymore.

Its not just the wanderlust that has me again this time. Its the little bouts of depression that continue to plague me, it was a path I started down a long time ago. I knew the consequences then, and I gladly paid it. Now though, those scars run too deep and I think its safe to say they will never fully heal. But how do I explain that to someone else, how do I explain what I'm feeling right now and not sound like an emo n00b crying about nothing. I think I do a pretty decent job, day to day, at hiding everything. Well...unless you read my blog of course. But as far as I can tell, you'd never see it on my face during the day. I know, some day I'm not going to be able to contain it though. I'm not sure what that will look like when it happens.

Blah

So, I need a semi obscure outlet and this is it. Facebook has gotten too mainstream so I can't really let on there, waaay to many people would be upset. Anyway, I've been depressed as all hell. No idea why. There's no reason that I know of, I haven't changed anything. There's just this...demon that continues to gnaw at me...the same one from my youth. I've gotten quite good at hiding everything, keeping it all hidden inside. Mrs. Kimpak wouldn't understand, she hasn't in the past so I can't really tell her, plus she's been going though a lot herself. So, I have to be strong for her. Sometimes it seems I have to be strong for everybody. I don't want to burdon anyone with my stupid random depression. I'm not particularly suisidal or anything, but just unhappy...so I just go on.


I suppose everybody is like this from time to time. That doesn't really help me though, no matter how much I tell myself. I can see the demon manifest itself in different ways. I can't watch a movie, or a tv show that represents certain subject matter, I have to turn it off or it tears me apart. Hell, that even happened during a commercial....a friggen commercial! Not good.

Writing has always helped a little bit, so this is what that is. Just some random free writing. Not sure why I'm putting it on my actual blog, other than it somehow seems more real this way. To pretend someone randomly read it and gives a crap, even for just a moment.

I dont' want to get on the cart

Well as usual, I'm not dead yet. I am, however, lazy. I did do a blog over at my My Space page. I may have been under the influence of the good Captain at the time. But it still holds true none the less.

Lately I've just gotten a particularly severe pang of wanderlust. I just want to go somewhere, and be away for a while. Somewhere far away. Farther than a drive. Sadly, this of all years, I won't get to go anywhere far. So I'll have to make due with the overwhelming sameness of my surroundings.

I think I get these feelings because I'm still running away. Running from everything that holds me back. Mainly my past, my present, my responsibilities. I suppose we all feel like that from time to time. I just feel so imprisoned, going to work, coming home, watching tv, sleeping, going to work, coming home, watching tv, sleeping in perpetuity. I'm not made for this, I seek adventure. I want to boldly go where no one has gone before, etc.. But, I can't.

The fact of the matter is that life doesn't really exist. Travel is expensive, and dangerous. Even if I won a major lottery, I bet something else will prevent me from pursuing my own interests.

Right now its especially hard. Many people I know are either already on, about to, or will be traveling soon to their own adventure. I am insanely jealous. I'll see the pictures soon, all the places I wish I could have gone. Where will I go? lol, I'll be lucky to get anywhere farther away than Omaha.

Oh, well. I stay sane though. Mrs. Kimpak is, as always, the light of my life. I definitely picked the right girl.