Therapy time again

Which is probably a bad idea, considering more people have found their way to this page. But meh, I still find it helpful. Near crippling depression bubbles its way up to the surface again. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that this is going to be the case for the rest of my life. It makes no sense why, as there is so much good in my life, especially as compared to others in more dire situations. I keep telling myself that, but it only makes it worse. Now i'm not only depressed, but guilty that I'm depressed as if I have no right to be. Maybe I don't have the right to be, but there it is anyway. Recent events which must remain secret have destroyed my hopes and dreams once again. Anyone in that position would be perhaps as depressed or worse than I am. But living with it for so long...makes it difficult. Its difficult because I so desperately want to run, to escape. Even if its just into my own world inside my head. To go to that place where the demons live and nothing can break in. Or to literally run away to some unlikely place to try and start over. Or just far enough away that I can unteather myself from the world. But I can't, because there are others I have to be here for. I don't have the luxury of running like I could so many years ago. But every day, every single day, I get this almost overwhelming urge to escape. I fight it, push it back and go about the day, with usually, no one the wiser. But I can't help but think...what if one day I can't do it. What if this all adds up and bursts forth like the alien from Sigourny Weaver's chest cavity? Would the fallout from that drive everyone I love away from me? Maybe it should. I know all of this can be chalked up to "well that's just life, quit yer bitching and move on". It doesn't help, but that's the simple truth of it. I wish I could be more religious. It must be comforting to be blissfully ignorant or simply happy to believe in this "life on rails" God has a plan, blah, blah. I've tried that though, and I just can't do it. The logic, the reality of life is too clear to me. Almost like the Matrix, once you know its there you can't go back. Unless, maybe I had some sort of horrible head trauma and became some sort of vegetable. But if that happened I wouldn't have enough brain function to care about all of this anyway. So, what do I do now. There is no escape without doing something drastic. So I guess I'll just try to push it all back again and push on like I always do. I'm not entirely broken yet. There are other worlds than these. Maybe my lot is better in the next.