Blah

So, I need a semi obscure outlet and this is it. Facebook has gotten too mainstream so I can't really let on there, waaay to many people would be upset. Anyway, I've been depressed as all hell. No idea why. There's no reason that I know of, I haven't changed anything. There's just this...demon that continues to gnaw at me...the same one from my youth. I've gotten quite good at hiding everything, keeping it all hidden inside. Mrs. Kimpak wouldn't understand, she hasn't in the past so I can't really tell her, plus she's been going though a lot herself. So, I have to be strong for her. Sometimes it seems I have to be strong for everybody. I don't want to burdon anyone with my stupid random depression. I'm not particularly suisidal or anything, but just unhappy...so I just go on.


I suppose everybody is like this from time to time. That doesn't really help me though, no matter how much I tell myself. I can see the demon manifest itself in different ways. I can't watch a movie, or a tv show that represents certain subject matter, I have to turn it off or it tears me apart. Hell, that even happened during a commercial....a friggen commercial! Not good.

Writing has always helped a little bit, so this is what that is. Just some random free writing. Not sure why I'm putting it on my actual blog, other than it somehow seems more real this way. To pretend someone randomly read it and gives a crap, even for just a moment.

I dont' want to get on the cart

Well as usual, I'm not dead yet. I am, however, lazy. I did do a blog over at my My Space page. I may have been under the influence of the good Captain at the time. But it still holds true none the less.

Lately I've just gotten a particularly severe pang of wanderlust. I just want to go somewhere, and be away for a while. Somewhere far away. Farther than a drive. Sadly, this of all years, I won't get to go anywhere far. So I'll have to make due with the overwhelming sameness of my surroundings.

I think I get these feelings because I'm still running away. Running from everything that holds me back. Mainly my past, my present, my responsibilities. I suppose we all feel like that from time to time. I just feel so imprisoned, going to work, coming home, watching tv, sleeping, going to work, coming home, watching tv, sleeping in perpetuity. I'm not made for this, I seek adventure. I want to boldly go where no one has gone before, etc.. But, I can't.

The fact of the matter is that life doesn't really exist. Travel is expensive, and dangerous. Even if I won a major lottery, I bet something else will prevent me from pursuing my own interests.

Right now its especially hard. Many people I know are either already on, about to, or will be traveling soon to their own adventure. I am insanely jealous. I'll see the pictures soon, all the places I wish I could have gone. Where will I go? lol, I'll be lucky to get anywhere farther away than Omaha.

Oh, well. I stay sane though. Mrs. Kimpak is, as always, the light of my life. I definitely picked the right girl.

Two Dreams

Today, I'm writing just to be writing and last night I had two distinct vivid dreams.

The first. I was some kind of rescue worker with an independently run ambulance of some sort. We got a call that there was a fire at an older lady's house. Fortunately it was just down the block from where we were. When we get to the house we don't see a fire but see some smoke. Upon further investigation the smoke wasn't caused by a fire but by some sort of snake that can emit smoke as a defense mechanism. The lady that lived in the house kept it as a pet, along with two cats. The old lady herself was a bit befuddled, not quite all there but was very passionate about this cat that she saved. It was a mangy white cat, missing a bit of fur but was healthy and friendly. I found that to be oddly specific in the dream, me analyzing the cat.

The second dream invoked more emotion than I'm usually used to in a dream. I was in some town by a coastline, but I wasn't from there. I fell in love with a girl named Florence (which I think actually in my mind means Italy not an actual person). I felt deeply connected with this girl, and worked hard to earn her trust. The day finally came and we admitted our love for one another, but also on this day I learned she was part of a cult-like group, who was planning on doing a mass subside that very day. Here's the odd part, I wasn't upset. In fact I loved this girl so much that I stood beside her and was ready to die with her. The group went to a pre-arranged place by the ocean where the deed was to be done. It was in a building, with only one exit. Everyone lied down and was ready to do the deed, and everything was quiet...then at the last moment someone panicked and ran, which caused everyone else to realize what they were about to do and they panicked too. Now there was a mass run toward the exit, ironicly people were getting trampled and killed. But I knew this would happen somehow, the girl and I were first in the line which meant we were in the back of the room in safety. I stepped in front of her so she didn't have to see the carnage, but I knew we would be safe if we just stayed where we were.

Well that's it. Not sure if dreams really mean anything or if they are just pure random imagination. But every now and again when you have that particularly vivid dream.....you have to wonder.